My life has been turned upside down, twisted around, and shaken up into a whole new form over the last month. My last semester in college did not consist of a "senior slide" as I often heard it would be. Even though there wasn't a lot of sit-down studying as I had been accustomed to, there was 130 clinical hours at St. Luke's, a giant community health project that I worked on with the Boys & Girls Club of the Northland, and two "normal" classes with the usual papers and tests. My community health class also consisted of visiting "public health" type facilities such as the Damiano Center and CHUM (and of course writing papers about them) and spending some time with the Public Health nurse in Two Harbors. On top of all of this, I began re-creating my resume and starting the application process, compiling the paperwork necessary to graduate, and worked on studying for my board exam (NCLEX). I truly felt like I was being pulled in a hundred different directions at once. Instead of a Senior Slide, it was more like a Senior Scramble!
As the end drew near, I found myself an emotional wreck… ecstatic one minute, insanely sad the next, and filled with worry nearly constantly. I don’t like the unknown… I like to know exactly where I am going and when, and how I will get there. My life was in complete limbo, and it’s a very scary feeling. While the majority of my other classmates were overjoyed as we finished our classes, I fought back tears. Even though school was more difficult and more time consuming that I ever imagined, I loved it. Yes, I felt lonely and out of place at times, not to mention overwhelmed, but generally speaking I loved the learning process, the challenges, and the environment. And I will miss it.
My parents and Jeff and the boys all were in attendance for the Pinning Ceremony and Commencement. The Pinning Ceremony is just for the graduating nursing class… I had Jeff and Brandon “pin me.” They butchered Brandon’s name (Brayndon?), but otherwise was a very nice ceremony.
I expected to be bawling like a big baby at Commencement, but instead could not stop smiling. I smiled so big and for so long that by the end of the day my cheeks hurt!
I have never felt so proud of myself. It was a long, hard, and scary 5 years but I did it! And not only did I finish, but I graduated cum laude and was inducted into Sigma Theta Tau, the International Honor Society of Nursing (thus the purple cord)! I never felt smart in high school; maybe that’s because my best friend ended up being Valedictorian and rarely had to study while I studied my heart out to get C’s, or maybe it was just a confidence thing, but if someone had told me 25 years ago that I would be 
After commencement, I took a week off and did very little, and wow did that feel good! Then I began cramming for the scary NCLEX exam. I studied every day, all day. I studied until I cried. Literally. And then I studied some more. I decided to take my test right before I headed to Wilderness First Aid Training, so that gave me about 10 days. There was so much riding on this test… if I failed I wouldn’t be able to be a Camp Nurse. If I failed I would have to wait 45 days to retake it. If I failed I wouldn’t be able to put down on job applications that I was a licensed nurse. If I failed, I FAILED. That is an awful lot of pressure for an old gal like me.
I also got a job interview in Staples, MN (of all places) the day before… so there went a day of studying. Urgh.
I arrived at the test center in plenty of time, but found myself shaking as I signed in, was fingerprinted, photographed, and had my palm veins read. I asked to use a restroom before going in because I thought I was going to puke. I went into the handicapped stall and instead of puking did some deep breathing and a yoga move or two to relax.
The test is computerized and everyone is asked a certain percentage of questions on various topics. With each question you answer, it predicts whether you are passing or failing. At 75 questions, if it is like 98% sure you are passing, it will shut down. If it is 98% sure you are failing, it will shut down. If it is too close too tell, it will keep going. Or if you are one of the randomly selected poor souls who will be taking the whole damn thing, it will keep going. It kept going for me. At question 150 I was sure I was failing and began to feel really sick and started sweating profusely. I was afraid of having to pee during the test, so I didn’t drink much, plus going in I thought I would be done in 2 hours and 21 minutes which is the average time… I was sure I was dehydrating. I skipped all my breaks because you have a time limit of 6 hours… I did the math and if I was given all 265 questions, I would barely make it. I ended up getting all 265 questions and it took me about 5 hours and 20 minutes. 5 hours and 20 minutes of pure hell.
I left and sat in my car and cried. I didn’t want to talk about it to anyone. I knew I had failed.
The next day I left for Wilderness First Aid Training and orientation. I will be Camp Nurse at the Concordia Language Villages for July and August, specifically the Chinese Village in Cass Lake, and the French Village in Bemidji. I passed the First Aid Course (yay!) and made some great friends along the way. The camp is much nicer than I expected and the responsibilities much greater. It combines my love of nursing, my love of children, my love of the camp atmosphere, my love of foreign languages and culture, and my love of food so it should be an amazing experience!
Everyone in training knew I had just taken my test and was waiting for the results. I paid an extra $8 to find out in 48 hours instead of 4-6 weeks. I took my test on Thursday, so I expected to hear late Monday. I had Jeff checking for me… On Saturday I headed to Waldsee (German Village) for dinner. About 20 nurses and nursing aides, plus many Lifeguards, counselors, and kitchen staff were in attendance during this week. At each meal I think there was about 100 people in attendance (but I’m a really bad judge of these things). I noticed that Jeff had been trying to call and worried there was a problem. As I was looking at my phone, the following text message appeared:
“You passed. Congratulations! I am very proud of you!”
I immediately started yelling, “OMG – I passed! I PASSED!!!” and started to cry. Everybody around me from my class was yelling and hugging me! It was crazy! And very emotional. At the end of the meal, they have time for announcements (which are often in a foreign language), and my nurse manager stood up and introduced me as the Camp Nurse for Chinese and French and told them that a half hour ago I became a licensed RN! Everyone was clapping and cheering and then they all went into this Hip Hip Hooray deal! It was a really fantastic place to end this crazy roller coaster journey I have been on for 5 years… becoming licensed at the very place I will be starting my career. For days afterward, complete strangers from around the globe were congratulating me. I felt insanely happy.
I will write more about the CLV later, but want to take one more paragraph to thank everyone for sticking by me and supporting me over the last 5 years. I know I have been neglectful and cranky, whiny and unpleasant at times and yet not one of you gave up on me. Your support and continual encouragement was my life-line and I will never forget it. I could never have done this without all of you behind me every step of the way.
